Mamas Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up To Be A-Holes: Unfiltered Advice on How to R

Description: Mamas Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up To Be A-Holes by Karen Alpert From the mom behind Baby Sideburns and the NYT bestseller I Heart my Little A-Holes, a hilarious and matter-of-fact parenting guide to raising happy, kind, and resilient kids. FORMAT Hardcover LANGUAGE English CONDITION Brand New Publisher Description Do you ever feel like youre failing miserably at parenting Do your kids keep acting like douchenuggets no matter what you do Then this book is for you. From the creator of Baby Sideburns and I Heart My Little A-Holes (and the creator of two kids who once were little a-holes but are slowly turning into awesome human beings), Mamas Dont Let Your Babies Grow Up to Be A-Holes is a hilariously honest parenting guide written by a regular mom who doesnt always know WTF shes doing. Just like you. Featuring side-splittingly funny pictures, stories, and chapters like: You Are Not Your Kiddos ServantPicassos Mom Didnt Tell Him to Draw the Eyes in the Right PlaceSticks and Stones May Break My Bones But Words Will Cost Thousands in TherapyIf They Say "I Hate You," Then Youre Probably Doing It RightMamas Dont Let Your Babies Grow Up to Be A-Holes will make you laugh, cry, laugh until you cry, and feel like youre having coffee (and a little sumpin in it) with a best friend who has some of the answers to THE hardest job on earth: parenting. And maybe, just maybe, it might help you get the a-hole out of your kids* *not a guarantee Author Biography Karen Alpert is the ridiculously hairy, self-deprecating writer of the blog Baby Sideburns. She has spent the past fifteen years working for national advertising agencies until she was promoted to her newest favorite job—Mommy. She lives with her two amazing kiddos and a very forgiving husband. Review "Honest, raw, and hilarious. A must-read for parents who want their kids to grow up to be decent human beings." -Jill Smokler, New York Times best-selling author of Confessions of a Scary Mommy "If raising a kind, confident, self-aware human is your jam, then you need to read this book. With laugh-out-loud humor, refreshing practicality, and a glorious potty mouth, Alpert once again delivers the essential read for all of us navigating modern motherhood, and leaves me with just one question... can she raise my kids too?" -Leslie Anne Bruce, New York Times best-selling author of You Are a F*cking Awesome Mom "Hilarious, honest, and 100% relatable! If youre a mom with a sense of humor, youll love this book. If youre a prude... you need this book even more. Cheers to all moms trying not to raise a-holes... the world already has plenty." -Caroline Bryan, Social Media Influencer, and wife of Luke Bryan "This hilarious book will leave you feeling hopeful that all those things you do every day that make you feel like a bad mom might actually make your kids better humans after all." -Catherine Belknap and Natalie Telfer, best-selling authors of Cat and Nats Mom Truths "Once again, Karen Alpert has done it. This book is equal parts hilarious, heart-warming, and helpful! Karens parenting style and advice are relatable for anyone trying their best not to raise little a-holes into bigger a-holes." -Jen Mann, New York Times best-selling author of People I Want To Punch in the Throat — Review Quote "Honest, raw, and hilarious. A must-read for parents who want their kids to grow up to be decent human beings." - Jill Smokler , New York Times best-selling author of Confessions of a Scary Mommy "If raising a kind, confident, self-aware human is your jam, then you need to read this book. With laugh-out-loud humor, refreshing practicality, and a glorious potty mouth, Alpert once again delivers the essential read for all of us navigating modern motherhood, and leaves me with just one question... can she raise my kids too?" - Leslie Anne Bruce , New York Times best-selling author of You Are a F*cking Awesome Mom "Hilarious, honest, and 100% relatable! If youre a mom with a sense of humor, youll love this book. If youre a prude... you need this book even more. Cheers to all moms trying not to raise a-holes... the world already has plenty." - Caroline Bryan , Social Media Influencer, and wife of Luke Bryan "This hilarious book will leave you feeling hopeful that all those things you do every day that make you feel like a bad mom might actually make your kids better humans after all." - Catherine Belknap and Natalie Telfer , best-selling authors of Cat and Nats Mom Truths "Once again, Karen Alpert has done it. This book is equal parts hilarious, heart-warming, and helpful! Karens parenting style and advice are relatable for anyone trying their best not to raise little a-holes into bigger a-holes." - Jen Mann , New York Times best-selling author of People I Want To Punch in the Throat Excerpt from Book Introduction When babies are born theyre basically a-holes, right? They cry and get what they want. They wake you up in the middle of the night and get what they want. They demand food immediately and if they dont get it right away, they just keep screaming until they do. They poop on people. They vomit on people. They pull hair. They grab your boobs without asking. Etc. etc. etc. And even though its a-hole behavior, its kind of adorable and acceptable because theyre cute little babies. And then when they turn into toddlers, that stuff starts to get a little annoying. Like when an itty-bitty newborn screams and cries for milk, youre like, "Awwww, are you a thirsty little baby?" But when a toddler wants a cheese stick and theyre a messy pile of snot and tears because you didnt walk to the refrigerator fast enough, youre like, "Calm the F down, its coming." Thats right, not as cute. Now imagine a grownup doing all this stuff. Throwing a tantrum in the middle of the conference room because some intern didnt wheel in the lunch order on time. Or having a complete meltdown because someone cut in line at Bed Bath & Beyond. Or going berserk on an airplane because theyre sick and tired of sitting in a cramped seat. Yup, when grownups do stuff like this, we hear about them on the evening news. A-holes, right? So basically, as parents, we have 18 years to turn our kids into well-adjusted, kind, awesome, rule-abiding human beings by squeezing all the a-holiness out of them. And unfortunately, no ones invented an a-hole juicing machine yet (ewww, they would definitely have to name it something different). So until someone invents that (come onnnn, Shark Tank ), its up to us to help our kiddos grow up to be non a-holes. This book shows just a few of the ways Im attempting to squeeze the a-holiness out of my children before they fly the coop. It seems to be working so far. Usually. Sometimes. Like last Sunday, from 2:47 to 2:53 pm, my kids were well-behaved angels. So I recorded every minute of their angelic behavior and posted it on Instagram and claimed they act like this all the time. Just kidding. But seriously, all kids act like douchenuggets because theyre still learning whats okay and whats not. The way I see it, kids who act douchey are douchenuggets, but adults who act douchey are douchebags. Side note: If youre offended by my language, stop reading now. This is not the book for you. Put it down, back away, or feel free to host one of those big bonfire book-burning parties (say that ten times quickly!) and tell all your sensitive friends to buy my book too and you guys can all burn it together. Ill make money, youll warm your toesies, and well all be hunky-dory. Okay, so have all the prudes left the building? Then hells yeah, lets get down to Fing business. So WTF was I saying? Oh yeahhh, how do we stop our douchenuggets from growing up to be douchebags? Are you ready for the magic answer? Drum roll please. Badadadadadadada . . . I have no idea. I know what youre thinking. "WHAT?!! I just spent $15 on this book!" ($0 if you were brilliant and checked it out at the library and are willing to hold a book that other people have held while theyre pooping.) But heres the thing. None of us really know WTF were doing. That mom who rolled her eyes at you because you let your kid wear pajamas in public? She doesnt know what shes doing. That crunchy expert who claims to know how to convince all kids to eat organic raw vegetables covered in flaxseed? She doesnt know what shes doing. That mom who lives across the street in that giant McMansion whose perfectly-coiffed kiddos are always wearing matchy-matchy Lilly Pulitzer dresses? She doesnt know what shes doing. I mean, they all act like they know what theyre doing, but I guarantee theres been a time or two that theyve all broken down in tears and curled up at the bottom of their closet in the fetal position around a bottle of vodka or a chocolate candy bar or a flaxseed vegan nut wafer (I just made that up). But seriously, NONE of us REALLY know WTF were doing because theres no magic answer or instruction manual when it comes to parenting. And kids are like snowflakes--every one is different. Of course, kids these days are like snowflakes in other ways too, but Ill get to that later. So anyways (yes, I purposely use fake words sometimes because it helps my mistakes blend in like I did them on purpose), if I dont know all the magic answers, who am I to write a book about it? Im just your average mom. Details ISBN0358346274 Short Title Mamas Dont Let Your Babies Grow up to Be A-Holes Language English Year 2021 ISBN-10 0358346274 ISBN-13 9780358346272 Format Hardcover Subtitle Unfiltered Advice on How to Raise Awesome Kids Pages 272 Imprint Houghton Mifflin Harcourt Publishing Company Place of Publication Boston Country of Publication United States Illustrations Illustrations, unspecified Author Karen Alpert Publisher Houghton Mifflin Harcourt Publishing Company US Release Date 2021-08-16 Publication Date 2021-08-16 UK Release Date 2021-08-16 Edited by Dimitris Kiritsis Birth 1955 Affiliation University of Technology Sydney Position Associate Director Qualifications Ph.D. DEWEY 649.1 Audience General AU Release Date 2021-04-09 NZ Release Date 2021-04-09 Imprint US Harvest Publisher US HarperCollins We've got this At The Nile, if you're looking for it, we've got it. 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